In my daily interactions with human beings at such environments such as work, school, church and even at home- most problems and challenges can be quickly avoided if we seek to first understand the other person and then seeking to be understood. This will resolve our arguments, rash judgments, finger pointing, tantrums and occasionally fights resulting in serious damage to both body and even property.
It takes an individual who is mature, reasonable and open-minded to approach life using this school of thought.On the other extreme, it only takes an individual relying on instincts and anger to provoke and destroy others in the hope of appearing to be the stronger one- while truly exhibiting beast like instincts that doesn’t require reason. By seeking to understand, we must set aside all our stereotypes, pettiness, weakness and grudges so that we can give dialogue a chance. We have to analyze the problem with an objective intent and not a subjective one. The circumstances and the reasons for the course of action by the individual must be deduced through logic, brain storming and adult reasoning.
Like a lawyer in a debate defending their client- they must prove beyond reasonable doubt that the accusations leveled against them don’t hold glue through tangible evidence and convincing witnesses. When you have hired such a lawyer, who is able to convince the jury that their client isn’t guilty, then what has been achieved is a mutual level of understanding. When you have taken the proper measures, desire, initiative and action steps to understand the personality and the consequence of the decision then it will now be much easier to follow the next step which is seeking to be understood.
When you have done your best to seek to understand the other person’s perspective to the best of your ability then you are now in a better position to be understood. Whenever, you go out of your way to humble yourself and walk in someone’s shoe even for a few minutes then that person can also allow you to express yourself. This is where you are able to explain the reasons for your actions and the effects of them on the larger problem.
I believe if we use these ‘soft skills’ of seeking to understand and then seeking to be understood by others consistently throughout our lives then we can avoid many unnecessary pitfalls and headaches. This can be applicable for those who are in a new job, in a fresh relationship, newly weds, managing diverse individuals in a charitable cause, interacting with peculiar individuals at school and even in dealing with our loved ones at home.
Let me share a story taken from a devotion given by Elder Randall L. Ridd entitled, “Living with Purpose: The importance of real intent”.
There was a young man who had ambitions to work for a company because it paid very well and was very prestigious. He prepared his resume and had several interviews. Eventually, he was given an entry-level position. Then he turned his ambition to his next goal- a supervisor position that would afford him even greater prestige and more pay. So he completed the tasks he was given. He came early some mornings and stayed late so the boss would see him putting in long hours.
After five years a supervisor position became available. But, to the young man’s great dismay, another employee, who had only worked for the company for six months, was given the promotion. The young man was very angry, and he went to his boss and demanded an explanation.
The wise boss said,”Before I answer your question, would you do a favor for me?”
”Yes, sure,” said the employee. “Would you go to the store and buy some oranges? My wife needs them.”
The young man agreed and went to the store. When he returned, the boss asked, “what kind of oranges did you buy?”
“I don’t know,” the young man answered. ” You just said to buy oranges, and these are oranges. Here they are.”
“How much did they cost?” the boss asked.
“Well, I’m not sure,” was the reply. You gave me $30. Here is your receipt, and here is your change.”
”Thank you,” said the boss. ” Now, please have a seat and pay careful attention.”
Then the boss called in the employee who had received the promotion and asked him to do the same job. He readily agreed and went to the store.
When he returned, the boss asked, “what kind of oranges did you buy?”
“Well,” he replied, ” the store had many varieties- there were navel oranges, blood oranges, tangerines, and many others, and I didn’t know which kind to buy. But I remember you said your wife needed the oranges, so I called her. She said she was having a party and that she was going to make orange juice. So I asked the grocer which of all theses oranges would make the best orange juice. He said the Valencia orange was full of very sweet juice, so that’s what I bought. I dropped them by your home on my way back to the office. Your wife was very pleased.”
“How much did they cost?” the boss asked.
” Well, that was another problem. I didn’t know how many to buy, so I once again called your wife and asked her how many guests she was expecting. She said 20. I asked the grocer how many oranges would be needed to make juice for 20 people, and it was a lot. So, I asked the grocer if he could give me a quantity discount, and he did! These oranges normally cost 75 cents each, but I paid only 50 cents. Here is your change and the receipt.”
The boss smiled and said, “Thank you; you may go.”
He looked over at the young man who had been watching. The young man stood up, slumped his shoulders and said, ” I see what you mean.” as he walked dejectedly out of the office.